If Only

If only we could say or write what we really feel sometimes.

From time to time I run across instructions that epitomize silly. While I’m sure there’s good reason for such instructions, they do provide excellent fodder for creative and sarcastic minds. For example:

Here’s the original wording:

For safety concerns, we would like to remind employees that walking along the car park ramp to and from the State Street building and the lower car park is not allowed. Instead, please use the walkway along the side of the State Street building first and then take the stairs to access the ground floor.

Pedestrians and drivers need to keep these safety rules in mind:

Pedestrians:

Refrain from walking up or down the car park ramp to and from the State Street car park located next to the Main Street building.

When crossing the street or walking through the car parks, keep watching both ways until you are out of traffic’s reach.

Don’t jaywalk. It is not only dangerous, it is illegal.

Press the cross walk button, and wait for the walk signal before crossing.

When the walk signal appears, look both ways before crossing the street.

Be alert. Refrain from texting or talking on your mobile device when utilizing the cross walks.

Drivers:

Pedestrians always have the right of way – even if you have the green signal.

Look both ways before moving into traffic.

Be alert. Refrain from texting or talking while operating your vehicle.

Your safety is our highest priority. Thank you for following all safety rules to protect yourself and others.

Here’s what I’m guessing the person who had to write these instructions would have liked to write.

For safety concerns, we would like to remind employees that walking along the car park ramp to and from the State Street building and the lower car park is downright stupid. If you get run over it’s your own fault. Instead, please use the walkway along the side of the State Street building first and then take the stairs to access the ground floor.

Pedestrians and drivers need to keep these safety rules in mind:

Pedestrians (Targets):

Don’t walk in driving areas unless you want to get run over.

When crossing the street or walking through the car parks, keep watching both ways until you are out of traffic’s reach. Unless of course you’re a narcissist or otherwise severely defective, in which case I implore you – walk where the cars drive. Please.

No one cares if you jaywalk as long as you don’t cause an accident. If you get run over you’ll be imposing on your family, friends and co-workers and no one appreciates that. If you’re not smart enough to jaywalk without getting hit, I can assure you no one will miss you. And don’t even think about trying to sue anyone since it’s your own stupidity that got you into this mess. I’m sorry your parents are brother and sister but that’s no reason to expect a settlement.

Press the cross walk button, and wait for the walk signal before crossing. I’m sure that never occurred to anyone before. No need to thank us. We’ve got your back.

When the walk signal appears, look both ways before crossing the street. Unless you’re a narcissist or otherwise severely defective, in which case I highly recommend that you dart out into rapidly moving traffic, just for kicks. It’s a rush!

Be alert. Refrain from texting or talking on your mobile device when utilizing the cross walks. The only acceptable exception to this rule is if there are Joe Satriani tickets on sale. In that case you are entitled to hold up as much traffic and cause as many delays as is necessary until you score said tickets.

Drivers (Protagonists):

Pedestrians always have the right of way – even if you have the green signal. Only run them over if you’re in one of the many dead-video zones in and around the buildings, if the pedestrian crossing the street is an obvious narcissist or otherwise severely defective, or if there’s a killer swell coming in at the beach.

Look both ways before moving into traffic. Or not.

Be alert. Refrain from texting or talking while operating your vehicle unless you are trying to upgrade your Joe Satriani tickets to the meet and greet tickets. Then it’s not only encouraged but expected to talk and text while driving. We continue to respect those with the highest of priorities.

Your safety is our highest priority if and only if you are a productive and intelligent member of our team. Thank you for following all safety rules to protect yourself and others when you know someone is looking.

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