The End Of The World

As tomorrow is the end of the world and all, I just wanted to make sure I got a chance to say good bye to everyone formally. Everyone, it’s been my greatest pleasure knowing you.

As I usually do on days when I don’t have to work, I will be at THE BEACH well before sunrise. Tomorrow though I’ll go extra early so I can celebrate the winter solstice there. I mean, on the off chance aliens are hovering over the Atlantic at 6:12 am, they’ll easily recognize my superior intellect and beam me up so as to avoid the cataclysms that will surely plague the Earth and all it’s lesser beings.

Since I am unsure as to the exact nature of tomorrow’s demise – if it’s not aliens, I will bring my boogie board to the beach with me just in case tomorrow’s end is met with a tsunami. It’ll be the best surf JAX Beach will ever see and I’d be a fool not to bring it. If the swell is decent I’m thinking I might be able to catch waves on Beach Boulevard and ride them all the way over the Acosta bridge. Getting back home may be a bit of hike though.

If the end is via an earthquake I’ve got that covered too. I just bought me a pair of those Skyrunner bounce shoes. All I can say to an earthquake along the New Madrid, Ramapo or the East Coast fault line is BRING IT! Ever see those old Looney Tunes cartoons with Wile E. Coyote and his ACME products? Yeah. That’ll be me only without the epic fails.

If tomorrow’s end of the world is via a comet, asteroid or other celestial object, I’m good. I purchased a military, hybrid, nano technology fire blanket with build in fire resistant gel, easy-seal enclosure and a sentry viewing window. It even comes with a complimentary liter of water and a compass, so surely I won’t perish.

On the off change the Earth an all its usual inhabitants are still here come January 1st, anyone who is mentally retarded is welcome to join me in this years Polar Plunge in Jacksonville Beach (9:00 am, south side of the pier). You have to put your head under water else it doesn’t count. For those of you crazy enough to join me let me know ahead of time and I’ll make a big pot of hot tea for when we get out of the water.

I figure I’m as prepared as I can be for tomorrow’s apocalypse including not having paid any of my December bills. But with tomorrow’s imminent destruction at hand I find myself looking back at my life and smiling at all the things I haven’t thought about in years. Or decades, even.

Neil, I’m sorry my dog ate all your expensive golf balls. I never did reimburse you for those.

Sue, I’m sorry I accidentally told you some years ago who won America Idol via text message prior to the show’s airing when in my excitement and surprise I accidentally forgot you were on one coast and I on the other.

Mike, the garage door thing – that was pretty funny. I didn’t laugh about it then because it didn’t seem appropriate at the time. It’s really funny now though.

PW, the “you don’t know me” incident is still one of the funniest memories I have from back then. That and the racquet ball thing.

Bruno, it’s hilarious when I think about the “I’m a varsity oarsman!” incident on the beach in Santa Barbara. I think those frat guys really took themselves seriously – LOL. It’s funny that we didn’t.

Lisa, I will always smile when I think about that time we almost ended up on the ten o’clock news when you, Terry and I almost got lost hiking in the Gorge in the winter.

Ken, my falling on my back side while hunting for abalone hurt like a mother. Thanks for picking pieces of shells out of my palms.

Daryl, remember that martial arts seminar we went to? As a black belt I’d expect you to always protect certain body parts. Had I known you weren’t I would never have kicked that hard. I’m sorry, man.

James, it was not funny when I about drowned kayaking. Well, not at the time anyhow. It would have been easier for me if you weren’t laughing your back side off while saving me. I haven’t gone kayaking since then, thank you very much.

Mark, I had no idea a water balloon that didn’t break would leave such a welt. At least there was no scarring.

Bob, thanks for reading my “work” emails with a smile and not telling anyone how I really feel.

Matthew, I really miss us going out for margaritas at lunch.

Happy end of the world everyone!

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