What a Piece of *Expletive*

Not long ago I had to prepare some food for a gathering with my very good friends.  It was a potluck so I wanted to make something really tasty for everyone to eat – something that no one else was going to bring. As such, I choose to make some spicy chipotle hummus and an artichoke chickpea pate, both of which require a food processor.  By the time I got around to making these I had just a few hours time to shop, prepare and arrive at my destination.

With time running out and having fought and lost yet another battle with a faulty food processor, I was angry beyond words.  Saying I was livid doesn’t come close to the unbridled anger I felt over an expensive appliance whose worth was essentially nothing, from the moment I go it.  In the middle of trying to salvage my dishes, even being very short on time, I decided to put everything on hold, log onto Amazon and write a brutally truthful review of this piece of *expletive* food processor.

In case my review gets flagged as abusive (I cannot imagine why – I was 100% truthful), the text of the review is below.  Or, you can read it here on Amazon.

This review is from: KitchenAid KFP0922CU 9 Cup Food Processor – Contour Silver (Kitchen)

Save your money and get an appliance that actually works.

I bought this food processor because kitchenaid used to make fairly decent home applicances. But with the roll out of this expensive, ineffective, poorly designed piece of equipment, it’s clear that they no longer embrace quality.

The Pros: You can use the box it came it to store stuff in the attic.

The Cons: Speed, save-the-consumer-from-themselves design, price.

If the bowl isn’t at least half filled, it’s not going to process anything. All it’s going to do is shoot food debris on to the underside of the lid, and what doesn’t stick there will be wedged into the lid’s many crevasses. This happens even when using the small bowl. Case in point: tahini paste. I had to fill the *expletive* bowl over half way before it’d actually blend sunflower seeds, making WAY more tahini that I actually needed. What a waste.

This *expletive* thing has first and second gear only. No third or fourth gears, and no turbo. The blade turns incredibly slow, even on high! So slow so that I have to use my Vitamix to process soaked cashews into a creamy, smooth, faux cheese sauce. Isn’t that what a *expletive* food processor SHOULD do, without having to be bailed out by a blender? What a pain in the *expletive* to have to transfer partially chopped soaked cashews or tahini paste from a food processor into a blender! I mean, it’s not like I’m trying to process granite or diamonds, or anything. It’s soaked nuts, for *expletive* sake. It’s a good *expletive* thing for kitchenaid that Vitamix doesn’t make food processors…

If you get so much as a nano-particle of food on the inside of the lid where the lid meets the bowl, the safety feature dutifully kicks in and the *expletive* thing won’t turn on. WT *expletive* kitchenaid? Enough already. Stop trying to save me from myself! Everyone on the planet knows that if your digits get too close to a semi-rapidly spinning blade, said digits will no longer be attached. We get it. But for *expletive* sake, design a lid where I don’t have to clean every last *expletive* nano particle from it before the machine will detect that it’s securely in place and turn on when I press the high or pulse buttons.

How can I have a properly secured lid on the bowl and still not be able to turn the *expletive* thing on? Why do I have to have the largest lid insert in place too? What a *expletive* joke! Do you know how much time it takes to clean all those inserts? Sure – yeah. Right. Let’s waste some more time, some more water, some more effort, some more soap, cleaning more stuff than I need to clean, just so I can turn the *expletive* thing on.

While we’re on the subject of lids, why the *expletive* did you design ALL those nooks and crannies on the underside of the lid and lid inserts that make it next to impossible to clean?! What the *expletive* is the point of those anyway, other than to catch small particles of food? Props to the out of touch, never-EVER-used-a-food-processor-before engineer who designed this feature. That person managed to create nooks and crannies into which no regular kitchen cleaning brush or scrubbie thingie can access. Nice job *expletive*-tards.

And what the *expletive* is up with all those lid inserts anyhow? Holy *expletive*, man. Apparently, not only has the engineer who designed this never use a food processor before (which we’ve already established), apparently that person never once had to clean up an appliance with so many *expletive* lid inserts. If that person had, there wouldn’t be so many *expletive* lid inserts.

Hey kitchenaid, I have one question for you. Have you actually USED this *expletive* product? I thought not.

If all you need to process is water, air or imaginary foods, this food processor works like a charm! But if you actually need to process diverse foods at high speeds, fugetaboutit. It ain’t happening. It kills me that I wasted my money on this piece of *expletive* crap. I am so *expletive* tired of having to transfer partially blended food to my Vitamix.

This baby has the reliability of the 1976 Buccaneers, the speed of a 1971 Ford Pinto running on three cylinders going up hill, the price tag of a hot dog, fries and beer at a Red Sox game, the quality of the Health Insurance Marketplace, and the attractiveness of Golum with a sinus infection.

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